My life is run by a 5-year-old throwing a tantrum

 So - trip down memory lane here.

In pre-school, I was sitting in the back of the carpet, goofing off with the kid next to me.  All the other kids were sitting down, looking forward and listening to the teacher.  I knew what was going on - I just didn't care about that.

Then I was put on time-out and for the first time, something was wrong here.  I was upset - how dare she stop my fun and take me away from all the kids!  I demanded to know what happened.  She said "You're not paying attention."  I didn't know what that meant, so I said "what does paying attention mean?"  She didn't answer - probably cuz I was being a smartass little tantrum kid - but for me, that was WTF IS THIS.

..."YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION"... come on... I KNEW what she meant, I already understood the situation - I just couldn't be with that communication.  I was goofing off when everyone else was following rules that I was ignoring.  I even enjoyed bringing the other kids into my world, as opposed to needing to live in theirs.

Not knowing what the word attention meant wasn't the issue.  The issue was I was goofing off and I got in trouble.

But that lady was a bitch, fuck her.  What she did, or the way she did it, was wrong.  Unjust

So… I challenged her tone.  What do you mean, pay attention?  What does that even mean?

I basically threw a tantrum.  It's what 5 year olds do, right?

I decided that I wasn't wrong for not paying attention, she was wrong for being mean, and the rules and structure itself was all wrong.

Who cares if I was wrong - YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S FUCKING WRONG.  YOU'RE A FUCKING BITCH.  THIS PLACE SUCKS.

Skipping back to the here and now... my life is run by a 5-year-old throwing a tantrum.

The first time I faced organized structure, the decision I made was that goofing off was fun and great and these assholes making me do shit suck.  lol

I really got that I was having a great time and that my fun was better than living by their rules.

So now, I've been failing to build a business for 10 years because at some point I always stop.  Cuz what I'm doing isn't "freedom", it's "work", and I feel "trapped", and it's a "struggle".

The struggle, though, only exists because I won't accept that I'm having a tantrum.  I'm an adult.  It doesn't look good to be ruled by "I don't wanna!!  Waaaaahh!!!"  I can't be a failure, a loser.  So I create a struggle.  "It's not my fault - I'm trying - but it's hard for me."

Looks real good, much better that way.

The struggle JUSTIFIES the tantrum way of being.  It justifies a being that's all about doing what I want.

Today, you're still ruled by a 5 year old having a tantrum.  Anything you don't want to do, there's always an excuse - it's never your fault that you didn't do it.

• With entrepreneuring, that looks like 'THIS IS WORK!  I WANNA PLAY!!  FUCK THIS'
• With calls, that looks like 'I HIT MY FUCKING BUDGET, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE'

"She would've died like that.  Shit.  All the pain is pure bullshit, pure bullshit, nothing authentic about the pain, not an iota of it.  It's all there to make you right.  The pain's not so attractive anymore is it?"

Who Am I? Core Nature of "me" "my life" "I" etc

When you talk about your life, your talking about a sum of experiences, actions, choices, etc.  It all boils down to a collection of moments.  Your "whole life" is all of the moments you've been through.  Who you are now-a-days would be the more recent moments, as defined by some custom set of parameters.

These are all useful constructs.  Sure they're real, and true, but they only say who you are as a construct of a sum of smaller things.  You'll think of yourself one way, others will have it slightly different, probably with a lot of overlap.  The construct of "you" is essential and amazing and awesome.

However, it's not who you really are.  It's a construct.  And the problem is, you live moment-to-moment as if who you are is this construct.  That's where things get messy, because this construct is a sum of many, many moments, and it doesn't fit as a useful tool when it comes to managing your moment-to-moment life.

All that ever exists is the moment.  You are right here, right now.  No matter what you do, where you go, etc, you will always be right wherever you are, right in that moment.  The past is gone, and all you ever do is remember it in this moment, and the future isn't here yet, so all you ever do is predict it in this moment.

If all that exists is the moment, you cannot ever exist as a sum of moments.  You can only ACTUALLY exist as THIS moment.

So who are you?

You are the space in which this moment is happening.

You are like the raindrop reflecting the world.  You are the observer, the witness.  You see, touch, feel, think, experience it all, and that ever-changing experience is WHO YOU ARE.

Naming a cause always results in avoiding responsibility

This concept from "Be Here Now" is the core nature of my 2010-2011 discovery that I could witness a "troll thought" and choose a "productive thought", compare the two in terms of which is more helpful, and the resulting comparison is typically quite humorous.

The core nature of it is that you are the source of all value, and the context is decisive of the value.  The second you name an external cause to any value, you've now avoided responsibility of being at the source of it.  All values, good or bad, are simply whatever you say they are or view them as, and responsibility in this manner isn't "the truth", it's simply a context you can move to whenever an upset occurs.

Completed the Landmark Curriculum For Living

SELP Completion class was tonight.  Will miss those guys.

Now it's off to go powerfully live a life I love

I can't

I was in first grade.

I was in the top 3 of the class, in my mind.  One of the best.  I rival the #2 guy, my close friend Brett.  He's clearly #2, and I'm his friend and I keep pace.   I'm no Michelle, but she's on a whole 'nother level.  Brett's pretty close in ability and a hell of a lot more charming.  I'd rather be like him.  Maybe even rise to rank of #2... always gotta try to beat your friends, right?

What really affirmed this was the other kids I was better than.  Especially Theresa.  The really dumb kid that Brett always made fun of.  As long as I wasn't like her, I'd be fine, even if I never got to better than Brett.  But seeing how far I was from her affirmed the reality that I was one of the best.  I mean Brett would tear into her and he'd look so good and she'd look so bad, and all the kids laughed.  It's a good thing Brett is my friend, I wouldn't want to be like her.

One day, we were moving desks and I wouldn't be by Brett any more.  I'd miss him, but that's what they do... they switch it up.  The kids start opening their desk and taking out their books.

Theresa opened her desk, and immediately Brett or another kid sees the utter mess and starts making fun of her.  It was like, WTF, this is a complete mess.  Hilarity ensues.  One of the strongest examples of my triumph over the slow kid yet.

I'm not too sure what happened next.  Was the teacher upset that I was making fun and opened my desk?  Or did I just open it and Brett noticed?    I'm not really sure.

Whatever it was that happened, the target shifted from Theresa to myself.

My desk was a mess to rival Theresa's - I was nearly as bad - a perfect follow up to keep the joke running.  I look over at Brett's desk - it's really good.  The guy is probably the 2nd best desk in the class, just behind Michelle's, which is pristine.  Meanwhile, I probably ranked in the 2nd WORST position.  I don't know it Brett turned the attention to me, if I just imagined the failure... or maybe the teacher saw it and yelled.  I can't be certain.

What I can be certain of is that the realization "I don't belong" hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was a mind warping experience.  In one moment, my entire paradigm changed.  I thought I was competiting for rank 2 in all areas - Brett is clearly #2, and since I am friends and compete with Brett, it therefore concluded up until now that I was more or less on his level.

But in this moment, it was obvious that I had been an arrogant fool for thinking such a thing without ANY real evidence.  It was like I had been sitting in the "3rd Place" trophy spot just assuming because I was there that it was my trophy, and then just looked at the name engraved across it in big letters and realized it wasn't mine.  And worse, now it was clear to other's that I was inferior too.

If I could be that dumb, where else was I wrong?  I saw a flood of examples.  I realized that I'd been living on a pedistool that wasn't real.  I thought I was good enough to be the best, but in this moment I realized "I'm not good enough."

How foolish of me!  I actually thought I could take on Brett & be 2nd to Michelle?  "I can't do that" - I'm not even close to being that smart, I'm a fool, I'll be lucky if I can settle as a second-tier, a beta or "grade B" if you will, at best.  I shouldn't even try to compete with Brett and Michelle or I'll look like an even bigger fool.

So once we moved desks, I got humble.  I made friends with Ryan, a kid a little more on my level.  I discovered my real rank in the middle.

I became "I can't", and now I want to be an entrepeneur.  Maybe I can be an OKAY entrepreneur, as long as I don't go too crazy and try to be like a sales manager too or something.  I can't possibly handle that.  I'm not good enough.

If my life is about me, that's the limit I will always face.  And isn't that true of any leader with no team?

If I want to be really great, I'm going to need to leave myself behind along with it's corresponding "not being enough" reality structure, and instead live in the real world, standing for others, caring about them, and having their back.

If it's not about me, then I can do anything, and I can enjoy every moment.

The Landmark Advanced Course - The Key Insight

The source of generating "Meaninglessness" (and the power & freedom that result from it) is having everyone else's back.

Choose Your Resistance and EMPOWER Your Meditation

By CHOOSING your resistance (or your "DO NOT WANT"), you go from having it guide you to being at the source of it.

You start by accepting and embracing your very diswanting itself.  Your resistance, your magnetic repulsion, your avoidance.  Get in touch with how much you don't want to meditate.  And choose that.

The repulsion is the way the repulsion is because the repulsion is the way the repulsion is.

AND

I choose the repulsion because I choose the repulsion.

Human beings never accept things for what they are.  We're constantly "deciding" - meaning, the considerations are what's ACTUALLY choosing - and thereby cutting off all other ways of being.

By accepting my repulsion, I can enjoy it and eliminate it as an issue, which then frees me up to meditate without a barrier being in my way.  It therefore empowers my meditation, simply by dis-empowering the racketing.

Meditated tonight with some of my last mintues before bedtime and feel quite good about it.