I can't

I was in first grade.

I was in the top 3 of the class, in my mind.  One of the best.  I rival the #2 guy, my close friend Brett.  He's clearly #2, and I'm his friend and I keep pace.   I'm no Michelle, but she's on a whole 'nother level.  Brett's pretty close in ability and a hell of a lot more charming.  I'd rather be like him.  Maybe even rise to rank of #2... always gotta try to beat your friends, right?

What really affirmed this was the other kids I was better than.  Especially Theresa.  The really dumb kid that Brett always made fun of.  As long as I wasn't like her, I'd be fine, even if I never got to better than Brett.  But seeing how far I was from her affirmed the reality that I was one of the best.  I mean Brett would tear into her and he'd look so good and she'd look so bad, and all the kids laughed.  It's a good thing Brett is my friend, I wouldn't want to be like her.

One day, we were moving desks and I wouldn't be by Brett any more.  I'd miss him, but that's what they do... they switch it up.  The kids start opening their desk and taking out their books.

Theresa opened her desk, and immediately Brett or another kid sees the utter mess and starts making fun of her.  It was like, WTF, this is a complete mess.  Hilarity ensues.  One of the strongest examples of my triumph over the slow kid yet.

I'm not too sure what happened next.  Was the teacher upset that I was making fun and opened my desk?  Or did I just open it and Brett noticed?    I'm not really sure.

Whatever it was that happened, the target shifted from Theresa to myself.

My desk was a mess to rival Theresa's - I was nearly as bad - a perfect follow up to keep the joke running.  I look over at Brett's desk - it's really good.  The guy is probably the 2nd best desk in the class, just behind Michelle's, which is pristine.  Meanwhile, I probably ranked in the 2nd WORST position.  I don't know it Brett turned the attention to me, if I just imagined the failure... or maybe the teacher saw it and yelled.  I can't be certain.

What I can be certain of is that the realization "I don't belong" hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was a mind warping experience.  In one moment, my entire paradigm changed.  I thought I was competiting for rank 2 in all areas - Brett is clearly #2, and since I am friends and compete with Brett, it therefore concluded up until now that I was more or less on his level.

But in this moment, it was obvious that I had been an arrogant fool for thinking such a thing without ANY real evidence.  It was like I had been sitting in the "3rd Place" trophy spot just assuming because I was there that it was my trophy, and then just looked at the name engraved across it in big letters and realized it wasn't mine.  And worse, now it was clear to other's that I was inferior too.

If I could be that dumb, where else was I wrong?  I saw a flood of examples.  I realized that I'd been living on a pedistool that wasn't real.  I thought I was good enough to be the best, but in this moment I realized "I'm not good enough."

How foolish of me!  I actually thought I could take on Brett & be 2nd to Michelle?  "I can't do that" - I'm not even close to being that smart, I'm a fool, I'll be lucky if I can settle as a second-tier, a beta or "grade B" if you will, at best.  I shouldn't even try to compete with Brett and Michelle or I'll look like an even bigger fool.

So once we moved desks, I got humble.  I made friends with Ryan, a kid a little more on my level.  I discovered my real rank in the middle.

I became "I can't", and now I want to be an entrepeneur.  Maybe I can be an OKAY entrepreneur, as long as I don't go too crazy and try to be like a sales manager too or something.  I can't possibly handle that.  I'm not good enough.

If my life is about me, that's the limit I will always face.  And isn't that true of any leader with no team?

If I want to be really great, I'm going to need to leave myself behind along with it's corresponding "not being enough" reality structure, and instead live in the real world, standing for others, caring about them, and having their back.

If it's not about me, then I can do anything, and I can enjoy every moment.