01:00 - 02:00: Obj.Su.Lunch (4/14)
02:00 - 03:00: Obj.Int.Setup (4/4)
03:00 - 03:30: Break (reading packet)
04:30 - 05:30: Obj.2.1a (4/5)
05:30 - 06:30: Obj.2.1a (5/5)
I will not waste the freedom Sarah has given to me
My closest friend has died.
She may have not been my "best" friend, but she was my closest.
Sarah Abbottsmith will live on in my heart forever. It's been a crushing loss that has taken days to come to terms with.
Obviously, this blew a hole in RRW, however RRW still works out, and the hours goal regains unchanged as long as I am willing to step up to the challenge.
I worked enough to get 20 hours in, set up a new challenge, a new improved sound studio and office, new video quality rendering was figured out, and most importantly, I finally finished the first video.
Now I'm on path to finish the second video, wrap up the website, polish the product, and start making money.
Sarah did this because she wanted it for both herself and me. The last thing I told her before she hung up on me was that I didn't want our relationship to be one of those unhealthy ones where she never learns to support herself and I dedicate my life to supporting her, and that essentially she needed to make the decision to support herself and her own happiness.
I meant that she needed to stay in school so she won't drop into a depression in which I am her only beacon of light, and that if she did make herself depressed by dropping out, it would be wrong of me to support that, because I'd be making it okay for her to severely cripple herself.
She dropped out anyways, and then I know what happened, based on what she's told me in the past I have an insight into her exact thoughts. They were along these lines: "I am costing my mom money that I can't pay back, I am using Abe, and I can't reach out to Jaimie because I will be ruining his life by making him waste all his time and energy on me and he really doesn't deserve that. I am a negative force and I just want what's best for everyone, which is a world without me in it."
I have long texts to Abe about her illness and her lack of hope and how nothingness is better than an existence of suffering and how I agree with her choice since there was no hope for her. She wanted to die for most of her adult life. She was depressed for most of her life. She was in and out of hospitals and it was a miserable existence. For her, suicide was a good thing, it was what she wanted and better than what she had. So my goal moving forward is to represent her, to stand up for what she believed, to let everyone know she made the right choice and there's at least one person out there who understood that, understood her, and represented her choices and who she was even after she was gone. Of all those who care the most for her, I may be the only one who really gets her. And that makes me happy.
So to represent her on RotE, it's fitting that I finally tell her "you're right, and I will back you on this" when it comes to the "Jaimie is wasting his time and energy on me" part. To Sarah: "Thank you. You know I wish you hadn't done it, you know how much I love you... but thank you for freeing me from you. I think you over-estimated your negative impact on me, and that is my fault for not being more clear, but you had good intentions and I'm glad I could help to free you from your suffering. Since you have left us, I will honor you by continuing my work and I will dedicate it to you. You made the ultimate sacrifice for all of us, even if it was for your own selfish reasons, I can recognize this as a best case scenario for you and me, and I will use that. The worst thing I can do is let your choice go to waste by mourning you for any longer than I have to and forgetting you. Instead I will move forward, full steam ahead, in your honor and I will dedicate the cure for insomnia series to you."
After the cover and title page, there will be a dedication, book style:
"Dedicated to Sarah, the love of my life who died young, and all who suffer from mental illness like she did.
Please don't watch this course passively - commit to trying everything, to improving your sleep, and to improving your health... because I want to help you as much as possible, and I need your commitment to do it."
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