I can't

I was in first grade.

I was in the top 3 of the class, in my mind.  One of the best.  I rival the #2 guy, my close friend Brett.  He's clearly #2, and I'm his friend and I keep pace.   I'm no Michelle, but she's on a whole 'nother level.  Brett's pretty close in ability and a hell of a lot more charming.  I'd rather be like him.  Maybe even rise to rank of #2... always gotta try to beat your friends, right?

What really affirmed this was the other kids I was better than.  Especially Theresa.  The really dumb kid that Brett always made fun of.  As long as I wasn't like her, I'd be fine, even if I never got to better than Brett.  But seeing how far I was from her affirmed the reality that I was one of the best.  I mean Brett would tear into her and he'd look so good and she'd look so bad, and all the kids laughed.  It's a good thing Brett is my friend, I wouldn't want to be like her.

One day, we were moving desks and I wouldn't be by Brett any more.  I'd miss him, but that's what they do... they switch it up.  The kids start opening their desk and taking out their books.

Theresa opened her desk, and immediately Brett or another kid sees the utter mess and starts making fun of her.  It was like, WTF, this is a complete mess.  Hilarity ensues.  One of the strongest examples of my triumph over the slow kid yet.

I'm not too sure what happened next.  Was the teacher upset that I was making fun and opened my desk?  Or did I just open it and Brett noticed?    I'm not really sure.

Whatever it was that happened, the target shifted from Theresa to myself.

My desk was a mess to rival Theresa's - I was nearly as bad - a perfect follow up to keep the joke running.  I look over at Brett's desk - it's really good.  The guy is probably the 2nd best desk in the class, just behind Michelle's, which is pristine.  Meanwhile, I probably ranked in the 2nd WORST position.  I don't know it Brett turned the attention to me, if I just imagined the failure... or maybe the teacher saw it and yelled.  I can't be certain.

What I can be certain of is that the realization "I don't belong" hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was a mind warping experience.  In one moment, my entire paradigm changed.  I thought I was competiting for rank 2 in all areas - Brett is clearly #2, and since I am friends and compete with Brett, it therefore concluded up until now that I was more or less on his level.

But in this moment, it was obvious that I had been an arrogant fool for thinking such a thing without ANY real evidence.  It was like I had been sitting in the "3rd Place" trophy spot just assuming because I was there that it was my trophy, and then just looked at the name engraved across it in big letters and realized it wasn't mine.  And worse, now it was clear to other's that I was inferior too.

If I could be that dumb, where else was I wrong?  I saw a flood of examples.  I realized that I'd been living on a pedistool that wasn't real.  I thought I was good enough to be the best, but in this moment I realized "I'm not good enough."

How foolish of me!  I actually thought I could take on Brett & be 2nd to Michelle?  "I can't do that" - I'm not even close to being that smart, I'm a fool, I'll be lucky if I can settle as a second-tier, a beta or "grade B" if you will, at best.  I shouldn't even try to compete with Brett and Michelle or I'll look like an even bigger fool.

So once we moved desks, I got humble.  I made friends with Ryan, a kid a little more on my level.  I discovered my real rank in the middle.

I became "I can't", and now I want to be an entrepeneur.  Maybe I can be an OKAY entrepreneur, as long as I don't go too crazy and try to be like a sales manager too or something.  I can't possibly handle that.  I'm not good enough.

If my life is about me, that's the limit I will always face.  And isn't that true of any leader with no team?

If I want to be really great, I'm going to need to leave myself behind along with it's corresponding "not being enough" reality structure, and instead live in the real world, standing for others, caring about them, and having their back.

If it's not about me, then I can do anything, and I can enjoy every moment.

The Landmark Advanced Course - The Key Insight

The source of generating "Meaninglessness" (and the power & freedom that result from it) is having everyone else's back.

CDC Day 79

5p - 7p

05:45 - 07:00: Obj.3.1b (30.5/30)

Today, I hit 100.

First time into the triple digit realm!

CDC Day 78

5p - 7:30p

The final countdown.


05:00 - 07:30: Obj.3.1b (29.25/30)

CDC Day 74

5p - ...

TOO TIRED

lol

3 hrs, 1 hr, 4 hrs

that's a good 8 hours yeah.  but, you're supposed to get that in 1 night, not over the course of 3.

What do I do again?

Cure Insomnia?

Yeah, not sure what's up with that.

CDC Day 73

5p - 6:30p

05:15 - 06:30: Obj.3.1b (26.75/30)

CDC Day 72

5p - 7:30P

6;30-7;30 OB3.1B 25.5

Value Leader Videos - Feedback

A little too much variation in voice at the beginning comes across as a sort of filter or bad editing.

Near the end, you start sounding like a 20 year old.  "I think you got too into it" says Dad.  When I think back to how this was recorded, I remember the point being to throw myself into the emphasis on the words, but I think I did so in a way that loses some of the professionalism and authority.  Ideally, you are emphasizing with major impact from an authoritative position, so instead of feeling pushed to buy, they feel like it'd be stupid not to buy.

You'll hear it, it's whenever your voice goes a little higher frequency.

So the final editing pass with deal with smoothening out some of the audio with a few re-records, fixing the repeating line near the beginning, touching up a few of the transitions, and putting in music.  Approx 4-8 hours needed.

More emphasis should be on video 1 since that will be NON-EDITABLE once it's got links going to it and has been on youtube for a month or two.  Video 2 is editable, so it's more important to start selling than it is to get it perfect.  No traffic, no sales.

TMS tonite

CDC Day 70

8:15p - 2p

08:30 - 09:30: Obj.3.1b (21.5/30)
09:30 - 10:30: Obj.3.1b (22.5/30)
10:30 - 11:00: Break ; meditation
11:00 - 12:00: Obj.3.1b (23.5/30)
12:00 - 01:00: Obj.3.1b (24.5/30)
01:00 - 02:00: Su.Lunch (9/10)

CDC Day 67

5p - 7:30p

06:00 - 07:30: Obj.3.1b (20.5/30)

CDC Day 66

5p - 6:30p

05:30 - 06:30: Obj.3.1b (19/30)

CDC Day 65

5p - 6:45p

05:15 - 06:45: Obj.3.1c (18/30)

Chaos Ensued

Well holy shit.  1.5 hours (or 2.5, including yesterday), of digging through all my old shit and trying to figure it out.

Moving forward, keep only 1 file for each script.  If you must retain prior versions, make sure they are in a folder called "OLD".  FFS!!

Now that I've identified all the old content I want to pull from, I can actually start compiling my organized "master content doc" with everything in it.


DO NOT USE OLD GOOGLE DOC VERSIONS OF THE VIDEOS.

THE FINAL VERSION OF THE OLD CIS/CFI SERIES WAS THE WORD DOCS IN THE CHPT 6 BACKUP FOLDER.  OF THOSE, THESE ARE THE VERSIONS THAT ARE FINAL...

Files for old CIS ("Cure Insomnia Series") -
CIS Part 1: "vid202 - new - draft 3"
CIS Part 2: "vid301 - new"
CIS Part 3: "vid401 - draft no-outline"

I've conveniently organized these into a sub folder called "USE THIS FOLDER TO AVOID CONFUSION" lol

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES IN THE ONEDRIVE BACKUP FOLDER:

• Folder: "Sleep Mastery - All Bullets" - all mastery content I'll use for now
• Folder: "Other Old Resources I found" 
• "THE OLD BOOK MARCH 2009 - Get Sleep Now"
• "Sleep-Lines" - NLP for sleeping better

To distinguish between the "How To Cure Insomnia" Series (my new product) and the old "Cure Insomnia Series" (the predecessor, a free video series that helped sell mastery), all old stuff will go by CIS, whereas the new product will go by "How To Cure Insomnia" Series or HTCIS if abbreviated.  That way, if I see "CIS" from now on I'll know its the old stuff.

To better organize things, there will be no numbering folders and videos from hereon out.  Trying to figure out which videos were which is really hard when all videos are organized via a single numbering system based on the supposed "sales funnel" (which, can't the sales funnel change, at any time?  Isn't that kind of the point?  And when it does, won't it be even more confusing??)

Therefore I have changed the names in my current folder.

Top of funnel is "Value Leader - The Best Cure For Insomnia"
  -Contains Value Leader Videos 1 and 2 (aka the best cure for insomnia part 1 and part 2)

Mid funnel / product is "How To Cure Insomnia Series"
  -Contains the old 'videos 3 through 6', which will now be renamed HTCIS Part 1-4

New Discipline Added: LEAF Schedule

In the gap left by the old "size sheet" Frame Integrity metric, I am now putting in "Followed LEAF Schedule?"

There are 4 metrics that all MUST be hit for this to be true:

1. Started calls by 8:00am (8:01 no good.)
2. Get to 35 calls by 10:30am
3. Started calls by 1:00pm (1:01 no good.)
4. Get to 50 calls by 2:00pm

Effective starting 6/6/18

CDC Day 64

5p - 7p

05:30 - 06:30: Obj.3.1b (16.5/30)

Plan for Writing

1. Finish intro

2. Organize old material by titling / categorizing / tagging, so you can reference anything you need when you need it.

• Do both old series AND mastery.
  
• CERTAINLY jack alot of session 4 of Mastery since that's my old book content.  Cuz, you know, your product is gonna want to cover SOME of the basics, right??  Let's make it good.  And let's do it ON SCHEDULE by stripping as much as necessary from mastery and using copy-paste to get tons of content in with very little effort.
  
• You should be spending a lot of time doing this.  Maybe making a whole new google doc with it's own table of contents simply organizing ALL of my content.  And even clean it up a bit.
  
• Why?  Because then I DONT NEED TO WRITE ANYTHING.  I can just swap stuff in as I go.
  

3. Copy paste as much as possible.

Ummm... about #2...

Yeeah... I got like 3 different versions of the same scripts.

1. The google voice re-write feeding the video into the recorder. (that's the verison i was looking at last time... it sucks)
2. The Google Doc versions (inferior it seems?  ACTUALLY - I think this looks shitty cuz its a copy paste of #3 onto google... CONFIRM THIS!!)
3. The Open Office versions - superior it seems.  go here for them: C:\Users\Jaimie Montague\OneDrive\Documents\_work\chapters 5 and 6 backup\3 - vid series and COPY, CONTENT, AND COPYWRITING chp6

Also, Mastery appears to be here:

F:\Users\James-SC\Documents\_work RESTORED\Age 1 Chp 6 and 7 2011-2012\Video Production
...look for the "all slide bullets" text documents.  That's going to be the content I will use.

My Value Leader Videos are fucking GOLD

I am going to fucking make it.

This shit sells like a monster.

I just need to make sure the product they get to isn't garbage like Mastery (to be fair, Mastery's OKAY, it just starts like garbage and I'm clearly young and immature... you're like "why would I listen to this FUCKING KID")

CDC Day 63

8:30a - 6p

09:00 - 09:30: 15M, prep
09:30 - 10:30: Obj.Account (3/4)
10:30 - 11:30: Finish Accounting + Break
11:30 - 12:30: Obj.3.1b (12/30) + 5M
12:30 - 01:30: Obj.3.1b (13/30)
01:30 - 02:30: Obj.Su.Lunch (8/10)
02:30 - 03:00: Extended Lunch
03:00 - 04:00: Obj.3.1b (14/30)
04:00 - 05:30: Obj.3.1b (15.5/30)

Writing Extended 10 Hours

The writing is a lot of fun.  Love this part of what I do.

But also, YOU LIKE TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME DEVELOPING YOUR IDEAS.  This can easily lead to extending "another 10... and another... and another".

So just write fast.  Because the editing will be pretty simple, so will revising the product in the future.  Make sure the mentally is "just get a shitty product out there so I can start selling it, and once I start making a little money I'll clean it up."

Otherwise, I'll never start selling it at all.

Accounting today was rough

It's disturbing that my spending GOAL is in line with earning 100K / year.  I know that I can easily make a lot less than that.  So it's really important I get this business off the ground soon, AND take a LEAF detour if things get much worse (if I am less than 10K at the end of June, it's worse.)

Freedom From Thought Problem

Problem is, I can't declare "I am free from thought".

So right now, it's just a tool I can use, which doesn't really create much of a new thing.  That it's possible at all creates some awesome stuff, but it's not at the level of something I'm "living into".

What would I declare in this area, if I could have a blank canvas to paint the version of Jaimie that I most desired?